I used to imagine that I had a lot to be proud of. I had a lot of friends, a lot of talent, and a lot of smiles. But it seems to me that with each year of the trickling sands of time, my heart either gets dropped from a height or something gets dropped on it from a height.
Today (it still being before I sleep for the night, let us imagine it is April 23) was a six year anniversary of when I lost a close friend to a speedball OD. In a few days, it'll be the 5 year of a best friend lost to a heart attack. In March there was another and in May another and in October another.
I've lost a lot. I've lost a lot of friends who are still living. I've lost a lot of friends who have died. I've lost a lot of confidence in who I am and why I'm here. I've lost a good mind.
But through losing those things I have gained much, I'm sure, but that's for another post.
I don't deal with loss well. I wish I could have him back. I wish I could have her back. "What I wouldn't give to see her smile" and "If only he could utter that ridiculous phrase again..." are common thoughts in my head around this time.
There is a moment when you have to realize that there's more. And a moment to realize when to end a post. I think I've realized both.
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