In Which I Think About What I've Lost

I used to imagine that I had a lot to be proud of. I had a lot of friends, a lot of talent, and a lot of smiles. But it seems to me that with each year of the trickling sands of time, my heart either gets dropped from a height or something gets dropped on it from a height.
Today (it still being before I sleep for the night, let us imagine it is April 23) was a six year anniversary of when I lost a close friend to a speedball OD. In a few days, it'll be the 5 year of a best friend lost to a heart attack. In March there was another and in May another and in October another.
I've lost a lot. I've lost a lot of friends who are still living. I've lost a lot of friends who have died. I've lost a lot of confidence in who I am and why I'm here. I've lost a good mind.
But through losing those things I have gained much, I'm sure, but that's for another post.
I don't deal with loss well. I wish I could have him back. I wish I could have her back. "What I wouldn't give to see her smile" and "If only he could utter that ridiculous phrase again..." are common thoughts in my head around this time.

There is a moment when you have to realize that there's more. And a moment to realize when to end a post. I think I've realized both.

It's All Relative

46 degrees in the middle of February
vs.
46 degrees in the middle of April


Linguine Ala Anne after 5 nights of pasta
vs.
Linguine Ala Anne after not eating for two days


Finding a dress on the first try
vs.
Finding a dress after weeks of fruitless searching


Staying in bed all day because you're lazy
vs.
Staying in bed all day because you're sick


Fever induced dreams
vs.
Sleep deprivation induced dreams
vs.
Any other kind of induced dreams

Although it's the same thing, the fact that it's in a different situation
makes the reaction to it vary tremendously.

Emotion

Emotion can be a tricky thing. For instance, I get annoyed, angry, and terrified at the smallest and seemingly most insignificant things, but there's always something more to it than presumably nothing. Words, actions, gestures, smells, and tone are all things that incite a raid flow of pictures in my mind's eye. Situations flash before me as if I had lived them yesterday. People appear, people I have not seen for years. Words are remembered, exactly as they were said.

It is a difficult thing to claim full responsibility for your actions and it's even harder when you seem to not be in control. I believe that speaks for itself: get a grip on reality before reality gets a grip on you. I've always been a dreamer, making up the most absurd schemes and magnificent quests and seeing life as a game to be played... life doesn't work like that. But then, those uptight realists are far off the mark too. I don't think we're ever going to get it right...

~insert lame conclusion that tries to tie those two pseudo paragraphs together and fails~